28 years and on

Scheduled birthday month epiphany

7/29/20245 min read

gray monkey in bokeh photography
gray monkey in bokeh photography

[28 years] [336 months] [1,461 weeks] [10,227 days] [245,448 hours] [14,726,880 minutes] [883,612,800 seconds]

That's how long I have been on this planet.

Looking back, I've had some good times and bad times. Some pretty great times & some pretty bad times. And all those moments, mundane, painful, happy, ecstatic, all encapsulated, have brought me here today and made me who I am.

I am thankful & grateful to all the people who have touched my life in some way or another with whom I've had the privilege to interact. Good or bad experiences, all those interactions have made me feel good or taught me something. Without those experiences, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Am I perfect? Great? Happy? Were all the experiences good for me? No. But I've realized that not everything needs to go the best way possible. It just needs to happen. The ball needs to keep rolling. Life keeps on moving as it should.

Evolution, biology, nature, they don't care if I am having a good time. In the grand scheme of things, all nature requires from me is to procreate and keep the cycle of life perpetuating ahead. When I realized that, I was overwhelmed with a sense of relief, coupled with weirdness. And no, I don't mean that in a nihilist way and conclude that nothing really matters, justifying that I should stop doing everything.

I see it as getting a heavy burden off of my chest. I have always aspired for more; I mean, who doesn't? In school, it was better grades; in college, it became better grades along with a good job; in the job, it became either a promotion or aspiration of a better job with a better salary. To achieve all this, I have appeared for competitive exams, attended workshops, pursued certifications, read books, and watched a lot of content. I've always struggled in all of the exams I wrote. After 10th grade, things fell out. Ever since, there has been constant pressure to improve in exams, interviews, jobs, and life.

I have been in this pursuit all my life. And I've never gotten to a point where I'd be satisfied or say to myself, okay, I'm okay & I'm content with where I am.

Why? Since early childhood, there's been a notion at home that I could do better. I can do better if I just put my mind to it. My parents, like all parents, wanted me to be successful in life and have a stable life.

I am speculating here as I discover myself as I write these words. I love my parents and am grateful to have them in my life. They have made considerable sacrifices in life so that I get a better life. And they raised me with the best they could and the best available resources they had. I do not blame them for anything. Although I was guilty of doing that in my formative years, I have grown out of it. This is me just introspecting at what may or may not be accurate.

Over time I grew accustomed to feeling inadequate & always looking for more. I don't know. But at the same time, I haven't been able to achieve anything worthwhile. Never scored well in exams, never been great in college. Haven't done anything significant at my job. Why? The list goes on. Lack of discipline, constant distraction, fatigue, sedentary lifestyle, lack of intelligence. Who knows. So, for a myriad of reasons, I have not lived up to my potential. And as a side effect of that, I am not content with where I am. My mind is at an impasse, a duel with itself. It knows what it's capable of and is mad at itself for not being where it could have been. Not making the effort, not trying. And still struggles with its poor habits. Poor systems. Which over the years have crippled the potential that the mind once had.

So that's about that. Now, coming back to the realization. Nature doesn't care if I am happy or not. And then again, life's purpose should not be pursuing happiness. I have always sought happiness, and where am I today? Am I happy? I don't know, I can't say.

"Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be. - John Stuart Mill

That's true. Whenever I stopped and asked myself if I was happy, I answered yes very few times, and that too with half a mind. Most of the time, I don't actually know. And asking that made me less happy.

So now I actively try to think that whatever the situation, happiness, fear, sadness, or anger, doesn't matter; I must live through it all. It's my life; nobody else would live it for me. My successes, failures, frustrations, and all-encompassing facets of life are all mine. I am my own gatekeeper. As I look inward, I try to let go of things, not in my control. That guy holding for no reason in the traffic, that boss who's dumb as a door knob. They are living their own lives, fighting their own battles. Me getting frustrated at them, resenting & shouting at others doesn't change the reality of the present. The other person certainly doesn't care since they are busy with their stuff.

On the other hand, getting crazy about why things are wrong and asking why it always happens to me doesn't help with the situation. If anything, it makes the situation more unbearable. Life goes on as it should.

What I have realized that I can do is have more patience. If getting agitated and worked up doesn't help, what other choice do I have? I will acknowledge the problem, feel nasty, take some time to mull it over, and then look for ways to move forward or through it or around it. And as always, life goes on. All this talk does not mean that I wouldn't react to anything. Of course, I will, but I can snap out of it and move forward quicker if I know what will help and what won't.

I have absolutely no idea why I am writing this. Probably birthday retrospection. Or birthday existential crisis. Maybe for posterity. Maybe. I have been lucky to have amazing parents who love me immensely and a few friends I can find comfort in. I have food on the table. I have a roof over my head. I have the gadgets that I love. A sweet KTM Duke 390 that I don't ride as far, as fast, and as often as I wish to. I have a job that I don't particularly like, but I am working on finding something new.

Most importantly, I have my eyes to read all the books I can get my hands on and my hand to put my thoughts to paper. I don't say it as often as I should; I have been lucky to have all these. And I should stop complaining. Of course, I should aim at progress. But at the same time, I remember where I came from.

I wonder if I will ever make it big. I don't know why I have that thought ingrained in my mind. I hope I let it go soon. And be happy with what I have. Enjoy & appreciate what I have already been lucky to have received.